Getting around to things

I haven't been around a lot lately, mainly because there has been little time for me to sit down and write, or little privacy. I think about it often, but like my old counsellor sometimes I am afraid of visiting my blog. And the people I know who read it. I will have to change one day.

I left my old job, letting Spring take me on it's way down a new stream. The interview was a 90 minute event, with questions of which I have never heard the like before. I was asked to give examples in each case of situations where something in particular had occurred, for example when I had been unable to overcome a particular obsticle in order to finish a job, and explain what happened and how I got around it. It was facinating and an education in itself. Then I had an hour long test where I had to write about news going on in the world. I was very sick. I spent twenty minutes with my head on my arm, after which I handed in a poor test. I was very disappointed and asked if I could take the test again. But despite the test they took me on.

I love my new job, I write profiles on people based on news articles, and it is quite secretive after that. The company just leaves me alone to do what I want and eventually I will be able to work from home, which is a big plus. I work a lot of overtime because it is quite complex and I want to do it to the best of my ability. This means that often I don't get home til 8 in the evening, if at all, as often I have a band rehearsal straight afterwards.

The rehearsals are going well finally, although everyone is impatient. But I think that is a good thing, because it means they still have the desire. Gordon's wife just had a baby but he is as dedicated as the rest and we are working on a level we never have before, picking everything apart at the seams and examing it closely and then rebuilding from the bottom up. The new songs sound great too.

I also somehow found the time to get involved with a Catalan boy. One of those classic situations where I said "No more green eyed, musician-types, Catalans or Leos". Hmm. I should know by now that is exactly what will happen. Actually, I even made a joke about it at the time. Anyway, I decided one night what the hell, and it has been a few weeks and he seems to be still around. Turns out I had met the guy once about a year ago, and when he made a pass at me, I replied "You know what you are? You are an arsehole!" Yep, that sounds like me alright, I must have been in a bad mood that day. Well here I am, returned from celebrating Queensday in Amsterdam, and I should be seeing him tomorrow.

I have a strange feeling about things though, a disquiet like a pitbull chewing my stomach from the inside out. The Catalan had been stuck to me like glue before I left and seemingly confused by it himself. I was pretty sure he seemed like a messer, and so I decided not to get too attached, and told him on more than one occasion that I don't owe him anything. On the morning I was to go to Amsterdam he woke me at 4.30am to ask me "What would you say if I asked you to marry me." I was horrified. I said what? Are you serious? Yes, he answered. I replied: now, I'd laugh at you and say no. In five years time if we got on well and had a good relationship, I'd say give me time to think about it. He smiled and said good, I just wanted to know. A few minutes silence. "I really scared you, didn't I?" he asked. Yes, I replied.

Thing is, mental as it sounds, it doesn't worry me because we have these kind of strange conversations about everything from death to electronics all the time. I don't think he was actually contemplating marrying me right there, at least I hope not. But it's still a great story, and it made me laugh.

Point is though, that since I came back, I have a feeling he is trying to distance himself. That is fine, but I want to know flat out what is going on. I like the guy but I don't love him (yet) and maybe won't, but I like his company a lot and like to keep things simple. Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing him in the flesh that I can just see how he is and decide from there. Of course it's on my mind, but somehow I am not to preoccupied with it.

A friend of mine is staying in my house at the minute. She has just broken up with her boyfriend and things are very complicated. In a way it isn't a good time for me because I am no really able to bring the Catalan back here while she is here, for starters the place is too small. But I like to be able to tell her not to worry and just come and stay with me until she gets herself sorted, and that is what I'll do. My friends joke already that my house is like a woman's hostel, and I guess it kind of is. But I like being able to help and it is not like I am that easy to live with either, so she has to have patience and kindness too! Also, she is interested in Alex, and Alex in her, I can see it. I am not sure it is a good idea but it is there own business. I do get a bit irritated when she asks "He is such a nice guy, isn't he such a nice guy?" Yes. That is why he's my best friend here.

Finally, well my grandmother has been sick a long while. She seems to get better then worse then better. My grandfather has been trying to do as much as possible, despite the whole family trying to help out. They are pretty organised about it actually. But now it seems like he might have cancer of the bladder. Or he has it but they don't know if it is malignant or not. I hope not, of course, and I am disappointed for him because he has always been the healthy one. I am worried because although my gran has been weak a long time, he has been getting weaker without getting better, and some of us suspected he would somehow be the first to go. Not that I want either of them to die of course, but it is inevitable that it will happen at some point. Now suddenly it is my grandfather I want to go and see and extract the same promise as from my Grandmother, namely that he will not just give up. It is tough though, and I hope he is somehow in good spirits, and if he is sick that he will at least stay the same person:stubborn, hard-working, honourable, interesting, intelligent, a fighter.