There is No Silence

Last night I slept 2 and a half hours. 4 hours the night before. A familiar moan I know, and one I make often. But if you saw how many times I have had to type these last sentences you would understand. I am wrecked tired. And I cannot function normally.

The upside is that I feel like I am wrapped in cottonwool and everything is cosy and distant. The downside is that the cottonwool is made of icicles and I am hazily aware of my body. The downside is I say what I think. The downside is that I want everyone to go away and stop making noise.

I have a photographic memory and I have often wondered why the hell I bother making music when I am obviously ocularly inclined. I have come to the conclusion that it is because I cannot remember sounds that I compose, and that the only time I find silence is within music. Corny as it sounds, when I sing is the one time I don´t have to listen. I find a place where there is peace and I am not in myself anymore. I just feel what I feel and I can see many many things without needing explanations. I am.

Tacked onto my tiredness is a strange feeling of poise, a mixture I suspect of being in water for 4 hours the other day and knowing finally that I am alone. I had a strange day on Monday where I felt upset by everything and I desperately wanted to be on my own. But I was working, and then when shift change came about I snapped. I can´t stand so many people swarming around me and talking in all my ears and I feel like they are invading every orifice and I crack sometimes. Usually I run outside to catch air, but in Barcelona outside is Placa Catalunya, too many people. Sometimes I run to the toilets, but in Barcelona the toilets are barely plural and normally have several Italians chatting inside. Occasionally I cover my ears and my eyes and hide under my table but I couldn´t move my chair because there were people behind me. Luckily I was not near the window as I would have broken it and jumped out. So all I can do is try but invariably I upset somebody. And although I apologise later, I feel like I was justified, that is the nasty part of my character coming out.
After work I was supposed to go to check out the gym with Audrey. I just wanted to run away but I fought it and told her I couldn´t go. She knew but all I could explain was the usual refrain "I just can´t do this anymore". But she waited and I made myself go and I did a yoga class at the end of which we lay with our eyes closed listening to synthetic music filling our pores and I just burst into tears again, but silently this time, and I had enough. I went for a swim and a jacuzzi and four hours later I was able to talk again.

I have not heard from Dani and I am not worried. Am I stupid? Should I be worried? If he is with someone else I just wish he´d told me first. If not, I am annoyed that he has not made an effort to contact me. But then he is no stupid boy, despite people assuming he is boylike because of his sunny disposition. He probably knows I am cooling off and doesn´t know what to do about it. Or maybe he doesn´t care. Or maybe he is with someone else, in which case am I stupid not to worry? I think not. I am alone and I like it. I never thought I would say that. But I suppose liking it is relative. You can exhale now, for that was the short confessional.

Oh and There is no silence is already a copyrighted song of mine, in case any of you were wondering.