Sugar

Several weeks have passed in the vortex green bubble of my new flat. Where I had been careful with money, now I am reckless. Where I spent time rehearsing I now look for things to fill my empty days and increasingly find myself walking around aimlessly whether filling the time between work and meeting someone or just cos I have nowhere better to go is much of a muchness.

I know that when I wander it is because I am anxious. Last night after a night out with my cousins who are visiting I left them playing tunes with some Colombian and Swedish friends and headed on a wandering walk that brought me down to the beach again. There is no silence in Barcelona, but the beach offers the chance at least to drown out some of the noises and even though it is busy people will leave you alone if you sit right down by the water. The moon had the pale red tinge of a ruby grapefruit and the wave were clawing their way in.

Increasingly over the last few months I have been having problems with my blood sugar levels. Never having suffered from lack of appetite before, I find myself having to set a rota for eating, otherwise I will be gripped first by nausea and cramps, then tremors and dizziness, finally leading to a semi-concious state with extreme clumsiness that barely allows me to move before I get sick again. The first bout I mistook for a vomiting bug, and I stayed on the floor near the bathroom for 3 days before my neighbor forcefed me orange juice and I started to get better. The second time I figured it out for myself and made myself eat something even though it refused to stay inside. Now I am attempting the prevention route but it still gets me sometimes. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a recovering alcoholic. Anything you put in your mouth comes out again, and you can't think straight because you have a glucose deficiency in your brain. Your body won't behave, moving hurts your head and makes you so dizzy you start to feel ill again. Vomiting is painful and mysterious because you don't know if it is bile or blood. Everyone says to go to the doctor but honestly if you know what you need to do to prevent it happening then surely a doctor can't improve on that? I need to take care of it, it's that simple.

On a seperate note, I am thinking again about my future. If I have to work why can I not work in some field that interests me? I should pick a subject, but again my mind is like jelly on this. I love design, whether it be of engines or clothing. I like creative work. I would love to study engineering because I have always been facinated be it and have already spent 2 years working as an engineer in the past. But technology moves on so fast, I let that one slip. I would have to go and study for at least 4 years I think. A huge strain if I want to do music also. I am very aware that the root of my problem is the same as always, namely, that I have the will to play music full-time, the ability and creativity, but not the wherewithall. I wonder is it a block I make up for myself, but i suspect it is more that I genuinely can not do anything by myself. I am always interdependent. I moved to Barcelona to try and overcome this deficency in myself, but have only increased it. Perhaps another move is on the cards.