The Rough In The Smooth

Red sky at night. Things have been really quite hectic here over the last two weeks. In an effort not to wonder at the lack of communication from Nico, I moved on. I rehearsed with the band. I recorded a twelve hour session which was an experience and a half. I squeezed an eventual perfect drum recording from the drummer, put my foot down over some sounds and waited patiently for other things that the engineer had to figure out for himself, argued with the head of the school about how to mic a cymbal, got told I was only a girl, only this only that, got my way in the end, got the band to stay throughout and keep their temper, organised rough mixes and other recording sessions and did it all while my mam and sister came to visit. And event that went a lot more smoothly than I thought it would, although they are now convinced I am an alcoholic.

Alex has been great, helping me sort out direction and priority for the band, just being a cool person to hang around and drink too much with anyway. I am waiting for him to come over and collect the latest mix of the song we will be recording on Friday cos he will probably have to record it himself at home. He has been advising me for a while to go out and just find someone nice to be with. Well I found a Sardinian Doctor. And he is a nice man, but I can't help but find myself mourning Nico. How is it possible to decide you can love someone like that so quickly?

And yet, here is a man who revels in my intelligence, flatters every curve, has a sense of humour and a soft side, who is sensitive and complicated. A man who will bite when I ask it and sometimes when I don't, who makes me feel special, who will listen and share, who is (despite himself and any previous hurt) falling for me, who asks me when it will be I feel the same. A man who's touch gets to me and then suddenly makes me shiver with revulsion at myself. I feel dirty. Why can I not be with someone who appreciates me like this? Why do I expect fire and dirt, roughness and sharp tongue...and every night I want to go and drink myself into an oblivion.

I am not depressed nor sad. Actually I feel attractive for the first time in a long time. It is nice to have a normal attention. What is not normal is my instinctive reaction. But I am yearning for another, still planning away, hoping that when I finally get paid that I can call Nico and get him to come to see me, even if it means inviting him to a gig...