My Plan for Taking Over the World and other trivia

Currently playing in The Green Room:

Will I move to Sweden or return to Ireland?
What should we name the band and will we find a drummer before our first gig?
Why smiles are frightening.
and
All about the scary date.

So first up in my mind’s eye, will I go to Sweden or return to Ireland. Well, I reckon I will probably return to Ireland in the short term anyway, if only to spend a wee bit of time with friends and to await to increasingly pending death of my grandmother. How frightening, that is the first time I have written or said that. I am very like my grandmother, something I have discovered only over the last few years. She is more witty than I am but we share a keen interest in the human body and engineering in general. She has similar faith in dreams to me and sometimes we discuss other people’s dreams in great detail. I rarely tell her mine as, like her, I don’t want to fix what is wrong with me. I am scared to return because of the afore-mentioned head-occupation by my ex-boyfriend and I don’t want that to rule my life. But my music and my friends are in Ireland, and my old band have decided they want to release a single too which would be great. The money is better than here and maybe I could save a bit if I didn’t drink too much. I could help my sister too, who is working, studying and nursing a boyfriend on his way to an operating table near you. Plus my brothers have only 3 years left in school before they will make their merry way into the wide world, so may as well enjoy some of that too. As for the greenery, well frankly, my mouth starts to water at the thought of all that grass waiting to be chomped on my ramble down to the village…yes, Ireland first, and hopefully I will never be so lame as to be scared to move later if I want. I think Sweden has a lot to offer me and I’m not just talking about tall sharp-cut die-cast cheekbones or salted herrings. The type of pop-junk-punk-rock-electro-metal I want to play is much more Nordic than Irish…

As for the band, well Bob is definitely off to Norway soon. I’m sorry for him we never did a gig, but even more sorry for myself. But since I announced to the bhoys that I will be leaving unless something good happens, they seem determined to do some work. Tomorrow we meet a drummer from the Dominican Republic and then we discuss tactics for recordings, putting in for showcases in Ireland, the Festival we are meant to play, and some Podcast I’m meant to do, as well as maybe playing support to my other band. But first up, we still need a name! Help! The lads wanted to be the Sofa Kings (ha ha) but thank Christ there is a band already called that. Any suggestions welcome – we are 2 Irish lads, one Scot and a Belgian, so all Celts. Our music is original and sort of rock-electro. Maybe we should call ourselves Argh!

And now for something completely different. Does anyone else have a huge paranoia about smiles? Don’t get me wrong, I like it when people smile aimlessly or cos they are happy or bemused or worried or warm. What I don’t like is the “I’m-smiling-cos-I-want-something-from-you” smile. I come across this daily in work, but I remember it from school as well (sidenote: the more I think about school the more I realise I have a huge problem with it). For example, it starts off with “Sorry I’m late.” SMILE SMILE. No you are not, but that’s okay. There is nothing to say, just get on with it. “I can’t print reports, can you do it?” SMILE EXTRA. Well it’s a whole heap of extra work but what the hey someone has to do it. I will, just turn off that smile it makes me nervous. “What is on your mind?” BLINDING SMILE. Now I am definitely not going to tell you. Get away from me. “Oh was that your coffee I just drank/coat I just borrowed/etc” INNOCENT SMILE. Don’t fucking lie to me. You know what you did; if you are smiling you want me to say it’s okay. Don’t manipulate me and turn off that fucking smile.
I tell you what though, I do love a genuine smile…

Which brings me to the scary date. Okay, I never have dates either because I am too ugly or because I scare people off. I am fairly normal looking and I’ve seen some UGLY people out there, so I reckon number one is not really to be thought about even though I have miles of insecurities about this that and the other. So that leaves scaring people off. Although it is possibly cos I am ugly – hehehe. But anyway. How? By being boring, mad, obsessive, distant, too cold, too warm, or desperate. Well we have already established that I am desperate. I am mad, so I can’t be boring, although my blogs lately have been a bit boring I am very impulsive and laugh a lot and like to do things on the minute. I’m pretty sure I’m not boring, although occasionally I can be a bit wild. But I thought that was a good thing, right? What is life without some splashing in fountains, jumping out of windows and singing on the metro? I think the big problem is that if I really like someone I am INCREDIBLY shy. I can’t look at them, and will generally move away or stare at the ground. My friend Derrick once laughed in my face cos he said that he saw “a look of horror and fear” cross my face when I spotted someone I liked and didn’t avert my eyes in time. My eyes just locked. They don’t call me the ice-queen for nothing.
But it’s amazing what can put you off. For someone with no options, I’m terribly fussy. I don’t want someone to agree with me all the time nor to argue just to show they are smart. I dislike the game-playing that happens so often here, like the Argentinian I met on the plaza yesterday, where he came and sat close by to play guitar, asked for a light, then for the time, this that and the other til I started chatting to him about how long he was playing yada yada, then he went off, cool as a snozzcumber and ignored me til I just got annoyed and ignored him and he came waltzing back. No thanks. I’m not a fan of flattery although I must admit it works when administered with skill…I love someone who is smart but silly, strong but with a black side maybe even a bit desperate, talented but not cocky, independent but affectionate, cold but passionate…god, I’m not asking for much! And that’s not even starting on the physical description which is pretty demanding too – taller than me, slim but broad, quick, light eyes, thick hair, high cheekbones, round nails (I swear I am not making this up)…I just seem to always date guys who look similar in type, and it is not that I intentionally avoid the rest, it’s just how it happens…so I think the only way forward is for me to become a mad Rock Star and get so famous that everyone wants me…

My Life is my Dream

I am twenty-six years old and I still suffer from nightmares. I still encounter the recurring dreams of my childhood, as well as new delights which leave me numb. I don’t even get frightened anymore, I just feel despair. One recurring dream is the one of the teddybear’s picnic. I am in a land of green, there is no sky, no grass, only green. There is a teddybear and a blonde-haired doll and a gollywog with a checked red and white blanket, laying tea for us all. I pick up a cup at the insistence of the doll who bids me to drink. But there is no tea. Drink, she tells me. I pretend, but there is still no tea. The doll and the teddy are getting angry. I pretend to drink but it is not enough, and finally I leap to me feet and start to run. But there is nowhere to go, only green, no end no beginning, and I know now no escape.

Christmas morning I woke up with a dream filling my head and seeping from my pores. My ex was having a baby with his new girlfriend. I was so upset that I couldn’t act normal for days afterward and try as I might, I couldn’t escape the leaden depression that decended. Yes, I know, those days are over, but that is not the point. The point is that I am trapped in a cage of my own making and I haven’t figured out how to escape. How can it be love if I am the only one feeling it, when I inspire only pity and fear in my counterpart, when I still can’t accept that I have been abandoned? How can I get out of this bad habit? How can I dream of someone's life as it happens, know what they are doing, if we don't have a special link? I am sure many people will tell me to do this and that, but the only truth for me is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We all have dreams. I don’t know if mine are acquired or instinctive or simply lies, but I must believe that they are important. When I was at school there was a boy who used to pinch me and steal kisses, who featured in a recurring nightmare of mine in which I was married to him. Even then, I thought I would never be with one person. And now, although being alone is bearable, what really hurts is the fear that I will not have a child. I have friends who don’t seem to want children and ones who do, but for me it is a bit different. I know that I will have a child with someone who will probably leave me. I fear I have already squandered that chance.

Last week I returned to Ireland for the week and realised that despite all my humming and hawing that I was correct in three things. Firstly, Barcelona doesn’t suit me and never has and I should stop making excuses and get on with it. Sure, it has many great things, but it is not for me. Second, my problems which I ran away from in Dublin will wait for me always. I will always love Ireland, and should probably avoid it for a while. But I may return for a quick fix at the end of the year before heading off again, perhaps this time to Sweden or Germany. Third, my ex is having a baby, due in August. I want to wish him the best and I can’t. I am not the person I thought I was.

Strangely, despite the negative tone of this piece, I feel at peace. I have been in a relatively good mood, and I am determined to enjoy my time here in Barcelona. Things are looking up with the band, the bassist is leaving soon which will be a good thing as he is good but I don’t feel he gels with us as people. Musically he is fine, but it would become a problem later. We have a gig in September at some festival which will be interesting but we will be back down to being 3 people again. We really need to sort out a drummer first I think.

And finally, I am not tied to anyone or anything, which is the finest thing in my life at the moment. I feel free.