25 May 2006

The White Chair


When I lived in Dublin, once I wished for a white chair. It appeared on my doorstep the next evening and I found it when I came home from my walk in the rain. Last night I wished again for a white wooden chair, and I found it as I walked home from the wrong bus stop. I had to hobble cos I'd a huge blister on the sole of my foot that had just decided to burst, but I didn't care. That I was happy must have shown on my face because people kept greeting me on the street and a lovely pair of men smiled and laughed and turned to watch me hobble past.

Sometimes wishing for something small is worthwhile because you just might get it...

21 May 2006

The Chilean Bar


There is a wee Chilean bar at the bottom of the Rambla de Raval. It doesn't even have a name. The door is just wattle strapped together and covered with some sort of dark grass, and the shutter is always half-open. When you enter it is a bit like going into someone's kitchen, with it's white glass door, and the fridge with its donkey sticker greeting you at the entrance. Julie and I always home-in on the green couch and usually it is the musician we dislodge. He sits on a stool instead with his curly hair and beard and short forehead, face and cheekbones scrunched slightly due to the complexity of the song and his poor neglected bum. He plays songs from Cuba mainly, as well as other Latin-sounding tunes. He scrapes his witching nails over the strings of his thin-bodied guitar and sings in a strong voice with hints of trills.

We drink wine with strawberries. Or at least I do. Julie has a cold and is not in the mood, but usually would. There is a mannequin leg sitting looking at me and so I take her and christen her Janice. After the bint from British Airways that Julie sometimes speaks to and dislikes. Actually Janice doesn't really bother me so much. But this leg is thinner than my arm. In fact, the leg is shaped very like my arm, only fatter in the thigh and of course it has a foot, not a hand, on the end. I make Janice a pair of pink lips from the multicoloured chocolate pad in my bag. I give her post-it eyes, that flutter gently like beautiful scarily-yellow lashes.

The wine goes straight to my head and I am a bit nervous so I drink my beer quickly too. Slouched back into the couch, semi-facing each other, somewhere my head is wondering if people feel like I am full of myself and I feel I should try and make it clear I am not looking for attention or thinking i'm great. The owner gives us kisses and they all stand and smile and greet us when we enter. Julie and I are amused and I guess relieved that this times we are not the only women. Only because too much male attention is too good a thing.

To be honest though, I never notice when I am the only female. The only reason I would notice is because I feel comfortable, at ease. I am used to it. I am only the boy in the corner making silly jokes and getting on with whatever we are doing. Women confuse and confound me. But tonight it is no problem. We all just sit and listen, and I play with the leg.

The toilet is the only proper source of light in this bar. The door is wattle also, and the lock a keyring that you loop over a nail. There is an adequate gap on either side and above and below that should someone want to watch you make a deposit, all they have to do is shift their chair slightly. The light has a big sign with an arrow declaiming proudly "LUZ->" Of course, since it is so dark you can't see the sign unless the light is already on. One of many quirks that make me smile. Another is the shelf facing my couch. Under the shelf is another couch, and that is where girl number 3 sits and watches. Above, the shelf is filled with stools piled artistically on top of on another, and there is a tape recorder and some masks hanging off the wall. I wonder when they have bands in, do the bands play on the shelf? It certainly looks that way.

We are all aware of the neighbors, as we discuss what time to finish as though we are family. A joint passes round and it is like a big sitting room. There is no paint on the walls, all the furniture is straight off the street. There is never anyone here, but Julie says it is only when I am there. How do they make money though? I often wonder this about places in Barcelona. But now I am in Chile, the poverty is Chileno poverty, not unlike the poverty I know from my youth. I love it here and am loathe to leave. I sing a few songs, not too many to appear arrogant, and then pay for my drinks. More kisses and waves and well-wishes. The leg has to stay. Oh. I put it on the counter, disappointed. Big smiles all round, and we head off into the night.

14 May 2006

Sugar


Several weeks have passed in the vortex green bubble of my new flat. Where I had been careful with money, now I am reckless. Where I spent time rehearsing I now look for things to fill my empty days and increasingly find myself walking around aimlessly whether filling the time between work and meeting someone or just cos I have nowhere better to go is much of a muchness.

I know that when I wander it is because I am anxious. Last night after a night out with my cousins who are visiting I left them playing tunes with some Colombian and Swedish friends and headed on a wandering walk that brought me down to the beach again. There is no silence in Barcelona, but the beach offers the chance at least to drown out some of the noises and even though it is busy people will leave you alone if you sit right down by the water. The moon had the pale red tinge of a ruby grapefruit and the wave were clawing their way in.

Increasingly over the last few months I have been having problems with my blood sugar levels. Never having suffered from lack of appetite before, I find myself having to set a rota for eating, otherwise I will be gripped first by nausea and cramps, then tremors and dizziness, finally leading to a semi-concious state with extreme clumsiness that barely allows me to move before I get sick again. The first bout I mistook for a vomiting bug, and I stayed on the floor near the bathroom for 3 days before my neighbor forcefed me orange juice and I started to get better. The second time I figured it out for myself and made myself eat something even though it refused to stay inside. Now I am attempting the prevention route but it still gets me sometimes. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a recovering alcoholic. Anything you put in your mouth comes out again, and you can't think straight because you have a glucose deficiency in your brain. Your body won't behave, moving hurts your head and makes you so dizzy you start to feel ill again. Vomiting is painful and mysterious because you don't know if it is bile or blood. Everyone says to go to the doctor but honestly if you know what you need to do to prevent it happening then surely a doctor can't improve on that? I need to take care of it, it's that simple.

On a seperate note, I am thinking again about my future. If I have to work why can I not work in some field that interests me? I should pick a subject, but again my mind is like jelly on this. I love design, whether it be of engines or clothing. I like creative work. I would love to study engineering because I have always been facinated be it and have already spent 2 years working as an engineer in the past. But technology moves on so fast, I let that one slip. I would have to go and study for at least 4 years I think. A huge strain if I want to do music also. I am very aware that the root of my problem is the same as always, namely, that I have the will to play music full-time, the ability and creativity, but not the wherewithall. I wonder is it a block I make up for myself, but i suspect it is more that I genuinely can not do anything by myself. I am always interdependent. I moved to Barcelona to try and overcome this deficency in myself, but have only increased it. Perhaps another move is on the cards.